I love my children, honestly....

[Deb in MN]

We were all set to just take off this weekend- first run with our Scamp- we have all the basics we need fixed up in it now- the electrical system has been looked over and new batteries, everything ready to go on a quick get away to beat the mosquitos out there....

ONCE again- my KIDS are making claims on our time!!!!! Okay it was our fault- we have 6 kids. Only one is still living here however- and he's 20 so no worries really. Everyone is on their own. We THOUGHT we'd have all this free time....

We've had to go to graduations, birthday parties this month already. We thought we had THIS weekend to slip off- the NEXT two weekends are booked with a hubby's fishing trip with buds, and yet another grandkid birthday party.

But, one daughter is moving to Virginia for a while- her hubby has a year Veterinarian Externship there. So, THEY decided to give a family "farewell bar-b-q" this coming weekend. *sigh* They aren't leaving til June 3, but they had this weekend for a party. HOW can ya say no to this sort of event when you're invited?

THEN, we thought we had the rest of June to ourselves- and my SISTER in another State tells me she is coming to visit when school is out (she's a teacher) for a couple of weeks!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think "suffering" from empty nest syndrome is a myth!!!!!!!!! I WANT to suffer from it a couple months right now. LOL

Can't complain TOO much- it's nice to be wanted however. The one with the little grandchildren even said- oooooo camping- I loved it when went as a kid- we have to all go together now sometime soon!

Sooooooooooooo it looks like our first adventure in our little Pod will have to wait till next month.

[Dan Meyer]

DONT WAIT!

Do what we have done. Set up at a close-to-home state park campground and return for the special event. Then go back to your camper after and wake up the next day ready to explore the park.

It's not ideal, but it gets you away from home for (most of) the weekend.

-- Dan Meyer

[CharlynnT]

Oh, yeah. I had today off from noon, long weekend, all set, except for ice and gas -- kid gets all crabby this morning, out of the blue -- aha, a fever!

Grr. So here we are in town, WATCHING HOCKEY, or some of us. Thankfully, the fever broke, all better now, we should be camping tomorrow.

BUT I do remember when kid was a toddler, in between one nap and no nap, falling asleep in the car just before I got groceries, or deciding to have a temper tantrum mid-groceries (spinning round and round on the floor counter-clockwise, quite the spectacle) and going home, thinking, Well, that's off, it's KD for supper tonight, if we're lucky.

Are you saying I am going to have to keep adjusting my schedule for another 10, 20, 30 years?

Alrighty then.

[jack maloney]

Our kids grew up and left home. Before they could move back, we sold the house and left the country for 3 years. I highly recommend this practice!

[DianeP]

Jack, we do admire your style.

We have been empty nesters for four years except for relatively brief roostings by our two. After college one spent a year in Namibia and now is in the Peace corp for two years.
the younger one is graduating from college in Boston in early June, home briefly, then off to a job in SF for a year then on to med sch. (maybe).

The scamp we bought last summer; our current resident project, is almost done. We hope to hit the road some time this summer.

Dave and Diane

[jdtrotter]

Our kids grew up and left home. Before they could move back, we sold the house and left the country for 3 years. I highly recommend this practice!

Jack has the right idea! We did almost the same thing---moved out of the country for two years, and we moved to a country they did not want to visit for long. Then when we came back, we moved to a border town in the desert where they did not want to visit for long! It is also an effective way to get them to take all of the stuff they wanted to leave behind at home-----a big trash bin has a way of convincing them to take their belongings.

Now we visit them. We converted our beach place to basically a large one bedroom. The guest room is there, but not very big.

Diane

[BuzzardsBurro]

Deb

I totally understand what you are saying. I am an only child but my husband has 7 bothers and sisters. All of his siblings have kids and some of the neices and nephews now have kids. We have 2 children of our own. Then we have his mom, step-dad and a bunch more from the step-side of his family not to mention my husbands, aunts, uncles, cousins and more. I have dad, step-mom, 1 step sister with 2 kids, aunt, uncle 2 cousins and they have 6 kids between them. The aboved mentioned are just family that lives close by. This is not to mention any friends we have. Between holidays, birthdays, anniv, weddings, graduations, baby showers, family reunions and such we used to be booked up all the time. I figured it out once and we have 9 weeks/weekends within a year that have no celebration we were expected to be at. It just plan got to be too much.

For the first couple of years my husband and I we were together Christmas and Thanksgiving was a nightmare for us. Christmas morning we would get up with our kids around 5am and by 8am we were out the door to make our rounds to all the family and friends. If we did not stop by somewhere we were invited then feelings got hurt. Hauling all the presents and food around was also tough. We usually did not get done with all of our stops until 10-11 that night. We began to not enjoy Christmas. We found we might want to stay longer at one place or another but could not because we had to be somewhere else by a pre-scheduled time. We spent more time on the road trying to get from place to place more than anything.

I finally put my foot down. We attend what events we want and let the others go. I always send a card and a little money for the children if we do not attend. All adults just get a card no matter if we are in town or not. We were going broke buying presents for everyone and never able to get away for very long. We love our family but, we need a life too. We do try to make it a point to be around for our parents and daughters birthdays, but that is it. As for Christmas and Thanksgiving we now host a buffet type dinner at our house with food on the table all day long. Whoever wants to stop by can, but I put no pressure on anyone. I do usually sneak off for about an hour and go visit a older friend whom is house bound. My in-laws were not too happy about things for the frist year or so but they got over it. I told them it was time we made our own holidays and traduations. For the events we missed I keep track on the calander. In August we put on a huge BBQ for both our families and our friends. We play a great gift ex-change game called dirty bingo. Everyone has to bring a uni-sex gift and when it is all over everyone leaves with a gift. I make one or two huge cakes and put everyone's name on it for those events we missed though out the year. We light candles and gather everyone around and sing happy whatever to them. That is our way of making it up to those people and the events we missed. It turned out to be lots of fun and something everyone looks forward to from year to year.

So I do understand how you feel. You have to pick what is the most important events to you and attend them and let the rest go. After all, you deserve to get away and enjoy life also.

If all else fails, do what Jack did, that was a great idea. Good for you Jack.

[Gigi]

Hey, Deb!
My kids are 21, 22, and 23. Like you, the children feel like they can come home anytime, which is great. I love that, but, I decided to draw the line, as so many others have, and now tell everyone which weekends we are out camping and to call before they come, just in case. Sometimes, the kids are here alone and I think they enjoy having the house to themselves and the freedom to raid the fridge and do laundry. They can stay up all night, if they want, and Mom doesn't care about any noise.

I've worked really hard all my life, most every job has been 60+ hours. I bought my kids cars, helped a lot with college, and have given them a lot of help. From this, I see a sense of entitlement emerge and the thought that Mom's always there, financially and physically. They don't seem to see us as people who actually have a life! It just was time to cut them off and let them know that mom, who is still in her 40's, likes to camp, likes to paiint, likes to travel, and even likes some time alone. It's hard, Deb, but, it's also necessary.

"No regrets" is how I try to live my life. It helps you sort out what the most important things and helps let slide all the other "stuff". So, while your kids don't fall into the "stuff" category, perhaps they aren't more important than yourself or your relationship with your spouse anymore? If you're like me, you've always put them first, it's been wonderful, but, it's time to add more dimension to your own life.

[Gigi]

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Deb

I totally understand what you are saying. I am an only child but my husband has 7 bothers and sisters. [/quote]

Ellen, some may call this a Freudian slip! I haven't stopped giggling since I read it! In my case, my husband simply has a bother!

[CharlynnT]

Wow! this has turned out to be a really interesting thread!

I love the idea of the multi-purpose family confection, then let them eat cake!

Here's a long story short: we live a few provinces away (mostly good) then when we travel a bazillion miles to see gran, mom, etc., some say, "Why didn't you come see me?"

Okay, I drove for FIVE days and you can't hop in the car for a 40 minute-drive to come to where I told you I'd be at? "Yes! You should especially come see me, too! I AM busy, you know!"

Char

PS I have one bother and one sister.

[Donna D.]

I always tell my family planes go both directions as do highways, telephone lines and amazingly postal carriers usually deliver to home addresses Sure put a stop to them making me feel like I was the one who needed to do all the travelin'.

[Gina D.]

I forgot to have children.

BUT.. I moved away from my family to a remote podunk town.. they followed me.

[CharlynnT]

I forgot to have children.

BUT.. I moved away from my family to a remote podunk town.. they followed me.

Ha! They get you coming or going, don't they?

[Roger H]

We have three kids too... 25, 22, and 17 (the last one still at home and in high school). I am a baaaaaad parent. I conditioned my kids from the time they were 12 that they'd better have their adult arrangements made by the time they graduate from high school, 'cause unless they're enrolled in college with copious scholarships, they're living on the streets the day after. If they're enrolled in college and have a job for the summer, they're welcome to continue living at home until the day after they've graduated from college, and THEN they're on the streets. I made them buy their own cars. I paid the insurance the first year, they've paid it thereafter along with doing all of the maintenance themselves (while I supervise and lend a hand when necessary) and I made them buy their own fuel, oil, tires and parts. We pay for the food, most of their clothing necessities, and help with expenses at college when they just can't cover them. It's amazing how they treat their cars when THEY had to buy it, pay for repair parts and do the labor to repair it themselves!

Although they both resented having to work and make their own way initially when many of their classmates were given everything (and frankly we could have afforded it), the two older ones have turned out quite nicely and are quite financially independent now. It's interesting to contrast their lives now with those of many of their less independent classmates. They both come home to visit occasionally (both live in the western US) and it's nice to be able to go out and visit them too!

I had an interesting conversation with my daughter a couple of years ago about her college expenses. She thought I should feel obligated to completely pay her way like some of her classmates' parents do. I told her that she had a choice. I could spend all my income and take out loans to pay her way through college now, and she could work like a slave for the next thirty years to support me in retirement, or she could work like a slave to get herself through school and be successful and be financially independent later in life, and I'll use my meager funds to invest now so I can be financially independent in retirement and she wouldn't have to support me later. She got a whole new perspective, and is happily working hard without complaining to finish up her degree work. I'm such a mean parent!

Roger

[BuzzardsBurro]

Hey Roger- I totally agree with your parenting. My best friend took your same approch. While her daughter was in high school her mother took care of most of the expenses and chores so she could focus on getting good grades. Her daughter got such good grades that she ended up with a full 4 year scholarship to a great private college. Her mother helped out here and there with some expense during college but her daughter worked while in school all 4 years. I am happy to report she just graduated this past weekend top 5 in her class, has almost $7,000 in savings and the job offers are rolling in as I type. She has one offer to work for the FBI and another for a big reseach company. My friend taking a strong stand with her daughter and making her take on responsibilites has a lot to do with where her daughter is at today.
Your not a bad parent in any way, just a parent that wants his children to be able to stand on their own two feet instead of yours. Nothing wrong with that.
I wish I could get my husband to look at things like you do. He thinks we should buy everything for our daughters. I find the things we buy, they don't take care of very well. They loan things out and don't get it back, throw stuff around in their rooms, leave things laying around here and there. Easy come, easy go, mom and dad will buy me another is their attitude. If I make them buy something, I find they take much better care and track of it.
I am with you all the way.

[Roger H]

Yes, Ellen... there's nothing wrong with wanting the best for our children. Parents, IMHO, go astray when they try to give them the best. The most important things that a parent can give a child are the tools that child will need to succeed on their own, and none of that has to do with 'stuff' or money. It has everything to do with interpersonal skills, education, and the knowledge about how to manage one's life and make one's own way.

I've always told my kids that the breaks I've gotten haven't happened by chance. I've prepared myself and been waiting in the right place at the right time with the right skill sets to be able to accept a challenge and be successful. We make our own breaks in this world. It's whether or not you recognize when they come your way and are able to take advantage of them that distinguishes those who are successful at whatever they choose to do.

Roger

[BuzzardsBurro]

Roger-

Well said, Amen to that.

[potteralice]

ellen,

i think it is odd that your story of how children should be independent is posted above your quote by Thoreau. wasn't he the guy who lived in a tiny cabin in the woods and walked home to his mom's dinner every night?

[Mike_L]

Kids leave but they come back! We bought our last unit in '05 and included bunks "in case the kids wanted to come along" They never did, even once. Now 10 years later they spend more time in the "back country" than we do. The good part, now they have their own units! Kids who are raised camping, live camping !

[k corbin]

My son is having a mid life crisis so he bought an airstream and is traveling in it full time for a year. Of course now he wants a career change to be a writer and does not want to work at his lucrative former career even part time and has decided to write a novel despite not ever having done any major writing.

So he will soon run out of money so he just experimented with work camping. Too funny for words is going from a six figure income to making the equivalent of $12.00 an hour cleaning up restrooms and picking up litter and taking out trash, cleaning up the waste dump area too.

He also has his wife to support as she does not want to work at the job she got a degree for which could also bring in a substantial salary, so they are both cleaning restrooms now. He is a programmer and he can do that work while traveling.

Kids....you just can't tell them anything, they simply have to hit rock bottom first to learn some lessons such as yes jobs do get boring but there is food to put on the table and gas to put in the tank and unemployment does run out and you have to park that airstream someplace and it is not likely to be a free space when it is 30' long.