Getting information off the Internet is like taking a
drink from a fire hydrant.
America is a country where half the money is spent
buying food, and the other half is spent trying to
When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your
Get the last word in . . . apologize.
Love will find a way. Indifference will find an
Everybody is ignorant, just on different subjects.
Let's have lunch. I can't afford therapy.
If the world is getting smaller how come they raised
the postal rates?
We have to believe in free will. We have no choice.
If you have twenty things to do in a day and nineteen
of them go well, which one do you talk about over
Half the people on the road should be pulled over by
the police, the other half by psychiatrists.
The difference between FEMA and Social Security: You
might actually live long enough to get benefits from
Don't attempt to run from the past, it is always
People like you are the reason people like me need
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash
Middle age: when a guy turns off lights
rather than romantic reasons.
I think, therefore I'm single
Mother Nature has joined the insurgents.
Tankruptcy (n): The financial condition resulting from
fueling one's SUV.
Three things in life are certain. . . . taxes, death,
and data loss.
When you live by yourself, all your annoying habits
The supermarket is where you spend 30 minutes hunting
for instant coffee.
The only people who listen to both sides of an
argument are the neighbors.
Why is it the loudest snorer is always the first one
to get to sleep.
The extra mile isn't half as long as all those other
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without
Life is really like a shower. One wrong turn and
you're in hot water.
Without my ignorance, your knowledge would be
Today everyone wants instant gratification, no matter
how long it takes.
They who are afraid to ask are ashamed of learning.
Blessed are those who can give without remembering and
take without forgetting.
The worst thing about history is that, every time it
repeats itself . . . the price goes up.
We want all machines to be perfect, with the exception
of the bathroom scale.
It's easy enough to spot the winners. They're the
ones not complaining about the rules.
A great actor can bring tears to our eyes. But then,
so can an auto mechanic.
Nobody who is somebody looks down on anybody.
Fight prime time, read a book.
A pedestrian is a man whose son is home from college.
It's scary when you start making the same noises as
Give me the first six years of a child's life and you
can have the rest.