One liners

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A toothless termite walks into a bar and asks where's the bar tender.

Two peanuts walk into a bar, one was salted.

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married. The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."

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Sure I'll get to it. Already marked on my calendar for the first thing on the second Tuesday of next week.:conf

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The lowly hen is immortal because her son never sets.

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BOB!! get out from behind there and quit that peeking. Your avatar is very unsettling. I think your actually there looking. :laugh

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...so, a mushroom walks into a bar. Bartender says, "We don't serve your kind here." Mushroom replies, "Why not? I'm a fungi".

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A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Why such a long face.”

Padum-dum.

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A lumpy scuffy old bit of string walked into a bar and asked for a drink. "Are you an adult" asked the bartender."No, I'm a frayed knot" came the reply.

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Seen at a science fiction convention: "The seminar on time travel will be held last Wednesday."

Why do humming birds hum? Because they don't know the words.

(Rick Green, Prisoners of Gravity)

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What do you call a boomerang that dosen't work?........A stick.

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A dog walks in to a bar with a sling around his arm and says to the bartender " I'm here to see the man who shot my Pa"

A blind man walks into a bar and says "Ouch"

Thre men walk into a bar. The fourth one ducks.

A Preist, a Rabbi, and a Mexican walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"

4 Fonts walk into a bar and the barman says "GO on! Get out! We dont want your TYPE in here!"

A man walks into a bar with a giraffe at his side. He orders a few drinks, and after about twenty drinks the giraffe passes out. The man gets up, and as he's about to walk out of the bar, the barmen shouts, hey, don't leave that lyin' 'ere. The man turns around and says: It's not a lion it's a giraffe!

A duck walks into a bar and asks "got any crackers? " Bartender says no. Duck walks out. Duck walks in the next day and asks, "got any crackers?" bar tender says no. Duck walks out. Duck walks in the next day and asks got any crackers? Bar tender says, "I told you yesterday and the day before that no! and if you ask that one more time Ill nail your beak shut!" Duck walks out. Duck comes back the next day and asks, "got any nails?" bartender says no. Duck says "good. Got any crackers?"

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I don't get this one Rick
>>Thre men walk into a bar. The fourth one ducks<<
All of them, I mean every one but this one I get. what am I missing? *Three men walk into a bar.* Ok that make sense.
OOOOh, I get it.. :laugh

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And then there was the fellow who married his widow’s sister.

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Orginally posted by Alan Hubler

And then there was the fellow who married his widow's sister.

Is that legal? I think one liners take me too long to understand. :nope this one makes no sense at all, Alan. splain it to me :)

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A man can't *marry his widow* Jan, that means he's dead already.:o

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well, I knew that, guess I got it after all. I thought it was one of those trick ones about he guy marrying his wifes sisters sons half sister who is also his grandmother. or somthing like that.

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What do prisoners use to call each other?...................cell phones:zz

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A bear walks into a bar and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.
The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears"
The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.
The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears."
The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to
eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears".
The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He
comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.
The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully
Bears".
The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."
The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."

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Did you hear about the Irishman that walked out of the bar???