Points to Ponder for 2013

[Des Nolan]

As we progress into 2013, I want to thank you all for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel,
nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying
about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine
what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving
because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only
imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on
the floor of a public toilet.

I must send my special thanks for the email about rat poo
in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with
every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I can't have a drink in a bar because I fear I'll wake up in a bathtub
full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a
water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers only get answered
if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern , I no longer drink Coca Cola because
it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car,
so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes
seven different types of cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water
in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring
me for life.

I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a
needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug
me with a perfume sample and rob me..

And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask
me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to
Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan ..

Thanks to you I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a
big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant
death when it bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice I can't ever pick up a
quarter coin dropped in the car park because it was probably placed
there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the
Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in
the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land
on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the
fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you
to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it
actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbors
ex mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's
beautician!

Oh, and by the way...

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study,
has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity
read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because
I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet..

NOW YOU HAVE YOURSELF A VERY GOOD DAY…

[Pam Garlow]

Now that's a great way to start the new year. I think I'll go back to bed and pull the covers over my head.....

[WildBirder]

Ok, I know it' frustrating to ad another but this one's different! It's truly amazing! Send this to five people and in 3 minutes absolutely nothing will happen. I tried it twice and it worked both times. Absolutely nothing happens! it really works. pass this on. people need to know.

[kootenaigirl]

Thanks for your post it made me smile and several were of course 'yes i do that also' moments.

[baron100]

If I can quote scholarly Larry the Cable Guy,

"Now that's funny, I don't care who you are."

[Mary F]

[Imo.]

Ah, modern life.

[Thomas G.]

Yes, and thanks to forwarded emails from well meaning acquaintances I've changed my political party affiliation 10 times and my religious beliefs six times. Keep those emails coming, as I so look forward to them.

[rabbit]

Man, you've had a LOT of troubles in your life and I can see why you're thankful most of em never happened!

jack

[Francesca Knowles]

I'd send that E-mail to my Mother-in-Law and everyone else on the list that she's got me on except I greatly fear that they'd think I was truly grateful and send me even more such missives...

Francesca

[Carol H]

good one.

I keep worrying that one day I will open my door and discover all the items that I keep receiving emails with my Order confirmation or UPS del'v info for, have all actually arrived. Might be fun to see what all it is I have apparently ordered.

[Sue and Henry]

Too, too funny but also too true. So many things I wish I hadn't heard!