Excerpts From Cat and Dog Diaries

[Benita]

Excerpts From a Dog's Diary

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!

1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!

7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!

11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!



Excerpts from a Cat's Diary

Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. The swine!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe.

For now...

[Frederick L. Simson]

A CAT’S PLEDGE

I pledge allegiance
To the can,
Of the perfect food
That is tuna.

And to the fishy
For which it cans…
One portion,
Just for me,
With olive oil,
And crackers
On top.

[CharlynnT]

[quote]
Excerpts From a Dog's Diary

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!

Excerpts from a Cat's Diary

Day 983 of my captivity.

-------------

Benita!

Is this your original writing?

In which case, my cat speaks of you often....

[debbyj]

Benita, you really know your animals! I think this one may be accurate:
A Hamster's Diary
Eat
Drink
Run, run, run, run,run on the big wheel.
Sleep
Eat
Drink
Run, run, run, run, run on the big wheel.
Sleep

[Susan Tiller]

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our
front door:

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the
furniture. (That's why they call it "fur" niture.)

3. I like my pets a lot better than most people.

4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who
is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Dogs and cats are better than kids...they eat less, don't ask for money
all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive
your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink,
don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your
clothes, and don't need a gazillion dollars for college--and if they get
pregnant, you can sell the children.

[Carol H]

[b]To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our
front door:

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the
furniture. (That's why they call it "fur" niture.)

3. I like my pets a lot better than most people.

4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who
is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Dogs and cats are better than kids...they eat less, don't ask for money
all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive
your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink,
don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your
clothes, and don't need a gazillion dollars for college--and if they get
pregnant, you can sell the children.

I have this on my fridge at home. We have a yellow lab that sheds a wee bit ;-) and we have had a few people visit who seem to have a problem with it.
Carol

[Frederick L. Simson]

A dog is going for a ride in a car

His head is out the open window, his ears are blown back by the wind, and he is drooling with his tongue out.
He is thinking, "Oh, Boy! Oh, Boy! Oh, Boy!"

A cat is going for a ride in a car
She is crouched in as small a space as possible in the center of the back seat.
She is thinking, "I'm gonna DIE!

[Donna D.]

[b]A dog is going for a ride in a car

His head is out the open window, his ears are blown back by the wind, and he is drooling with his tongue out.
He is thinking, "Oh, Boy! Oh, Boy! Oh, Boy!"

[b]A cat is going for a ride in a car
She is crouched in as small a space as possible in the center of the back seat.
She is thinking, "I'm gonna DIE!

The Dog would drive if he could!

[Gina D.]

Don't give them any ideas!

[Benita]

The Wand of Power in the Rightful Hands of the Ruler

[Dave Mac]

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are.
For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture.
This time however it included a burning foamy chemical
called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a
liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb
still stuck between my teeth.