Maintenance & Restoration

BCDave · 02-19-2012, 10:55 PM

My wife and I walked past a swanky new restaurant last night.

"Did you smell that food?" she asked. "Incredible!"

Being the kind-hearted guy I am,

I thought, "What the heck, I'll treat her!"

So we walked past it again.

Gene Masse · 02-19-2012, 11:03 PM

A COWBOY NAMED FRED

A drunken cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh

Amarillo Theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he

whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one

seat."

The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient:

"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm Going to have to call the manager."

Once again, the cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back

up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together

the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no

success..

Finally they summoned the police. The Texas Ranger surveyed the

situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?"

"Fred," the cowboy moaned.

"Where ya from, Fred?" asked the Ranger.

With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Fred

replied, "...the balcony..."

Gene Masse · 02-19-2012, 11:15 PM

Retired Husband

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.
Yesterday, my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:

Dear Mrs. Harris ,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and
randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her
in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get
on it right away'. This caused the employee to
leave her assigned station and receive a
reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn
resulted with a union grievance, causing
management to lose time and costing the
company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping
department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could
help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why
can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs
were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security
camera and used it as a mirror while he picked
his nose.

10.September 10: While handling guns in the
hunting department, he asked the clerk where
the antidepressants were.

11.October 3: Darted around the store
suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12.October 6: In the auto department, he
practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different
sizes of funnels.

13.October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled

'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14.October 22: When an announcement came
over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal
position and screamed 'OHNO! IT'S THOSE
VOICES AGAIN!
15.Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?

And last, but not least:

16.October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very
loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'
One of the clerks passed out.

**Pam Garlow** · 02-20-2012, 06:46 PM

LOL, fell off couch.

james kent · 02-27-2012, 04:30 PM

Gotta file this one under "Hints To Wife" for those occasions when she wants to Mall shop.

james kent · 02-27-2012, 04:32 PM

Gotta file this one under "Hints To Wife" for those occasions when she wants to Mall shop.

Gene Masse · 02-27-2012, 06:34 PM

Subject: Minnesota Air Disaster

Maybe you heard about this already.

The plane crash happened only yesterday or the day before on the south

side of Moorhead.

It was labeled as 'Minnesota's worst air disaster' so I thought you

might like to read about it. I'll quote the short article I read:

... 'Minnesota's worst air disaster occurred today when a Cessna 152,

a small 2 seater plane, crashed into a Norwegian Lutheran Church

cemetery here early this morning. Ole and Sven, working as a search

and rescue team, have recovered 826 bodies so far and expect the

number to climb as digging continues into the evening.'

I'll keep you posted.

Roger Kimble · 02-27-2012, 07:22 PM

They are very nice, loved them all

Roger C H · 03-06-2012, 12:34 PM

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dorothy.

Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying in sounds what you have for sale, and they will reply in sounds telling you who hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

To prevent neighboring countries from understanding what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS); and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. The young men were called Nomadic Eccentric Rich Desert Synai-ans, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of the drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum accessory maker Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Without Brother Gates' accessories, the drumheads and drumsticks, the drums would not work.

And Brother Gates did insist that drums be made that would work ONLY with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot said, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."

And Abraham looked out over the the waters of Ezekiel Bay, or eBay as it came to be known. And he said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Now Abraham's young cousin, Joshua, being the Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to find things all around the countryside that might be sold.

Young Joshua's idea, divinely inspired according to Joshua, soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

And that is how it all began.