Life's Little Observances

[Donna D.]

1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.

2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.

4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.

6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.

8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?

9. Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.

10. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.

11. There are no new sins. The old ones just get more publicity.

12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM. It could be a right number

13. Think about this .. No one ever says 'It's only a game' when his team is winning.

14. I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.

15. Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it.

16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

17. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of OLD LADIES running around with tattoos? (And RAP music will be the Golden Oldies!)

18. Money can't buy happiness – but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.

19. After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.

[Bob H]

Please add #20. What you used to do all night, now takes you all night just to do.

[Ed Felker]

Here's a few more of life's little observations or vexing questions:

- If croutons are made from stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
- Why does sour cream has an expiration date?
- Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced “onety-one?”
- If a cow laughed, would milk come out its nose?
- Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
- How come one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
- Ever think who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?" OR Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."
- Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
- If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
- Why people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
- Why when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
- Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
- Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
- How a cemetery could raise its burial cost and blame it on the cost of living.
- About the 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
- That if you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone in a BMW would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
- That the things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
- Why a flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries. OR A Shin is a device for finding furniture in the dark.
- That the only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.
- That when you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
- That scientists say 1 out of every 4 people are crazy. Check 3 friends, if they are ok, you're it.
- If you’re going to test the depth of water, never do it with both feet.

[Herb Sutton]

A destitute snake hasn't got a pit to hiss in.