1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died
peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers
in his car." --Author Unknown
2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you
get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:
"Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."
--Author Unknown
3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's
a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they
meet at the bar." --Drew Carey
4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's
not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it,
have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the
wrong house." - -Jeff Foxworthy
5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and
saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life
without even considering if there is a man on base."
--Dave Barry
6) "Relationships are hard It's like a full time job, and we
should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants
to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice There
should be severance pay and the day before they leave you,
they should have to find you a temp." --Bob Ettinger
7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took
her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they
weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'" --Paula Poundstone
8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have
better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors
of that study: "Duhhhh ." --Conan O'Brien
9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm
halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....
I could be eating a slow learner." --Lynda Montgomery
10) "I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of people
in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty,
but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'" --Richard Jen i
11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the
impersonators would be dead" --Johnny Carson
12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us
geography." --Paul Rodriguez
13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they
turned sixty and that's the law." --Jerry Seinfeld
14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in
case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line
from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What,
do tall people burn slower?" --Warren Hutcherson
15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many.
Monogamy is the same." --Oscar Wilde
16) "Suppose you were an idiot ... And suppose you were a
member of Congress... But I repeat myself." --Mark Twain
17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school
student. At least they can find Afghanistan." --A. Whitney Brown
18) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog
will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right!
I never would've thought of that!'" --Dave Barry
19) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow
Disease" was already taken. --Unknown, presumed deceased
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