A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, theres a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says "What the hell was that all about?"
Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. "Hereís that $20 I owe you," he says.
A guy tells his psychiatrist: It was terrible. I was away on business, and I emailed my wife that Iíd be back a day early. I rushed home from the airport and found her in bed with my best friend. I donít get it. How could she do this to me?" "Well," says the psychiatrist, maybe she didnít see the email."
A guy asks a lawyer what his fee is. "I charge $50 for three questions," the lawyer says. "Thatís awfully steep, isnít it?" the guy asks. "Yes," the lawyer replies. "Now, whatís your final question?"
A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: heís allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "Thatís not surprising," the elders say. "Youíve done nothing but complain since you got here."