The CEO and his secretary

[Meadowlark]

A very wealthy CEO was leaving his home for the day when his wife said, "Now remember, be home by five because we're hosting a dinner party tonight."

THe man said,"Yeah, yeah, okay "and left for the office.


At noon o'clock, he told his secretary, "get a room for us at a motel, it's quitting time."


They spent the whole afternoon having sex. At 5:30, he looked at his watch and said, 'well, I'm going to have a pissed off wife at home, I'm late. Take my shoes and go rub them in the mud."


His secretary protested. "These are fine Italian leather shoes! I'll ruin them!"


THe CEO told her, "Don't worry about the shoes, just do what I say. Get 'em all dirty."


So when he enters his own home, his wife is hot enough to set the smoke alarms off.


"Where have you been! I TOLD you I needed you to be home!" she screamed.


"I can't lie to you, woman, I spent the whole afternoon having sex with my secretary."


She shook her head. "You lying SOB! Look at your shoes! You've been golfing!"

[jerrybob]

I thought the joke was funny and not offensive.......like this one....

A Baptist preacher, a Methodist preacher, and a Presbyterian preacher lived in the same small town.
The three were of similar age, and over the years, they and their wives became friends. All three retired within a few months of each other, and decided to rent an RV to drive across the country. Only a few days into the trip, they were in a horrible accident that killed all six of them.

The Baptist preacher walks up to Saint Peter. Saint Peter says "May I help you?"

The man replies, "Yes, I'm a Baptist preacher, just killed in a car accident, and my wife and I would like to get into Heaven now."

Saint Peter says "Well, I don't think there will be a problem, you being a man of the Word and all, but one thing I have to do before you can go in, I don't care who you are, Oral Roberts, Billy Graham, I have to check the Book of Life." He opens the Book and flips through until he finds the man's name. "Well, preacher, I don't know how to tell you this, but we've got you down for a cardinal sin."

The Baptist preacher is indignant. "What did I ever do?"

Saint Peter replies "It says here that all your life, you lusted in your heart for alcohol. You never DRANK any alcohol but you lusted for it and that's just as bad. Says here you lusted so bad in your heart for alcohol, you wouldn't get married until you met a woman named Sherry. I don't think we can let you in here."

The Methodist preacher walks up, Saint Peter looks for his name, cries out "I can't believe this, two men of the cloth in a row!"

The Methodist preacher is also indignant. "What did I ever do?"

Saint Peter replies "It says here that all your life, you lusted in your heart for money. You never HAD much money but you lusted for it and that's just as bad. Says here you lusted so bad in your heart for money, you wouldn't get married until you met a woman named Penny."

The Presbyterian preacher turns to his wife. "Hell, Fanny, we might as well leave too."

[jerrybob]

Speaking of wives......


A husband calls the Sheriff's office to report his wife missing.
Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!

Sheriff: Height?

Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sheriff: Weight?

Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sheriff: Color of eyes?

Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.

Sheriff: Color of hair?

Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember.

Sheriff: What was she wearing?

Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.

Sheriff: What kind of car did she go in?

Husband: She went in my truck.

Sheriff: What kind of truck was it?

Husband: A 2016 pearl white Ram Limited 4X4 with 6.4l Hemi V8 engine ordered with the Ram Box bar and fridge option, LED lighting, back up and front camera, Moose hide leather heated and cooled seats, climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, Weather Tech floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch, sunroof, DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio, Cobra 75 WX ST 40-channel CB radio, six cup holders, 3 USB port, and 4 power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Toyo tires. It has custom retracting running boards and underglow wheel well lighting.

At this point the husband started choking up.

Sheriff: Take it easy sir, we'll find your truck!