The Coffin Story

[Jim Bennett]

One rainy, windy night, not unlike tonight, a man was walking home alone, down a dark, deserted street that ran right by the local cemetery.

As he passed the gates, he heard a bump in the darkness behind him. Not daring to look back, he quickened his pace. But, the bumping noise continued behind him.

He stopped and turned to see what it was. Coming down the road behind him was a coffin, standing on end, bumping from side to side - BUMP, BUMP, BUMP.

The man, terrified for his life, turned and ran into the driving rain. Behind him, the coffin came faster - BUMP, BUMP, BUMP! Ahead of him, there was a branch that had fallen from a tree. He reached down and grabbed it as he ran by. Still running, he turned and threw it over his shoulder at the coffin - but it just splintered when it hit the coffin and the coffin continued coming faster - BUMPITY, BUMPITY, BUMPITY!

The man turned the corner onto his street and ran through his front gate, the coffin right behind him. His splitting axe was resting against his woodpile so he snagged it, turned, and gave a mighty two-handed throw sending it end over end right at the coffin. SMASH! - the axe shattered on the unnaturally strong wood of the coffin and it continued after him.

The man dashed in his house, but the coffin crashed through the front door. The man ran upstairs and grabbed his shotgun off the wall display. He blasted the coffin with both barrels, but the shot bounced harmlessly off the coffin as it continued up the stairs - BUMP, CLOMP, BUMP, CLOMP!

The man, desperate and scared to death, jumped into the bathroom and locked the door - knowing it would do no good. The coffin banged against the door, once ..., twice ..., and on the third time, the door exploded and the coffin came forward.

In desperation the man reached out his hand and grabbed whatever he could. All that was there was a bottle of cough syrup so he threw it at the coffin.

The bottle shattered, the cough syrup poured on the coffin, and the coffin stopped.

[BigLew]

Sure glad he didn't throw pepper! lol

[Francesca Knowles]

Reminds me of the old saying:

"It isn't the cough that carries you off, it's the coffin they carry you off in!"

Francesca

[Gene Masse]

OK, if that's what we are doing here's my contribution....

POLITICAL TRUISMS.....

If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates. Jay Leno

The problem with political jokes is they get elected. Henry Cate VII

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office. Aesop

If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the Union speeches, there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven. Will Rogers

Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river. Nikita Khrushchev

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it. Clarence Darrow

Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you. Author unknown

Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel. John Quinton

Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other. Oscar Ameringer

I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them. Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952

A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country. Tex Guinan

I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians. Charles de Gaulle

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks. Doug Larson

There ought to be one day -- just one -- when there is open season on senators. Will Rogers

[Gene Masse]

"4 Worms In Church"
Four worms and a lesson to be learned!!!!

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol . . . . . . Dead .



The second worm in cigarette smoke . . .Dead .





Third worm in chocolate syrup . . . . Dead.

Fourth worm in good clean soil . . .Alive …

So the Minister asked the congregation,

"What did you learn from this demonstration?"
=
Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said . . .
"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate,

you won't have worms!"

That pretty much ended the service!

[RRJR]

Drink, smoking and eating chocolate + worms have nothing in common with FIBERGLASS TRAILERS !!