Why do you have to be quiet in church?

[Legacy Posts]

Yesterday, I over heard two little girls behind me talking in church. :chatter

:nono One little girl said to her friend, “Why do we have to be quiet in church?”

Her friend said, “Because people are sleeping.”

She went on to say, “See those men in the back?”

“Yes”, said the first girl.

“Those are the HUSH-ers’’, she replied.

:laugh :laugh :laugh

[Legacy Posts]

A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
Little Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."
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A Sunday School teacher asked her class why did Joseph and Mary take Jesus with them to Jerusalem.
A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby-sitter." _____________________________________________

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
_____________________________________________
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything,
including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, Johnny what is the matter? Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

[Legacy Posts]

Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.
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An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead."

[Legacy Posts]

Kids Interpret the Bible (Rated G)

The following statements are said to have been written by actual children and, as far as we know, are genuine, authentic and not retouched or corrected (i.e. bad spelling has been left in):

In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.

Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.

Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.

Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire
by night.

The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they
had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.

Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a
Jezebel like Delilah.

Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.

Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made
unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.

The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards,
Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.

The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the
apple.

The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

Moses died before he ever reached Canada.

Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his
son to stand still and he obeyed him.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.

He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived
in Biblical times.

Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700
porcupines.

When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang
the Magna Carta.

When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they
found Jesus in the manager.

Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.

Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to
others before they do one to you.

He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone."

It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed
to get the tombstone off the entrance.

The people who followed the Lord were called the 12
decibels.

The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy
acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called
monotony.

[Legacy Posts]

A little boy opened the big family bible. He was
fascinated as he fingered through the old pages.
Suddenly something fell out of the Bible. He
picked up the object and looked at it closely. He saw that
it was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.

"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.

With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he
answered: "I think it's Adam's underwear!"

[Legacy Posts]

A young woman brings home her fiancé to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancée to his study for a drink. "So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man. "I am a Torah scholar." he replies. "A Torah scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?" "I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us." "And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father. "I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us." "And children?" asks the father.
"How will you support children?" "Don't worry, sir, I have complete faith that God will provide," replies the fiancé. The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.
Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?" The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."

[Legacy Posts]

Subject: Dictionary of The Catholic Religion

The Dictionary of The Catholic Religion

AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

BULLETIN: 1. Parish information, read only during the homily.
2. Catholic air conditioning.
3. Your receipt for attending Mass.

CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync.

HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY. It is
water that has had the hell boiled out of it.

HYMN: A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.

RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass, often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.

INCENSE: Holy Smokes!

JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams.

JONAH: The original "Jaws" story.

JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.

KYRIE ELIEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava.

MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.

MANGER: 1. Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO.
2. The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.

PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic Churches.

PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass, consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.

RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass - led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.

RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.

TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.

USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.